How to Forgive
Description: This post is meant to explain why we are drawn to conflict and how you can avoid or resolve conflict peacefully.
Why do People Fight?
It’s common these days to go on to the news and see a new conflict unfold. And truth be told, we’ve invented a lot of different types of conflict over the years. Whether it be verbal, physical, or political, there seem to be conflicts and fights happening every day. But why is that? Why are we as people drawn to fight with each other, and is there any way to avoid conflict altogether? The short answer to the last question is yes and no. For the first question though, we’ll have to go a bit deeper into the topic to answer.
Studies have shown that “Anger is an emotional response linked to the fight-flight response - the emotion system that prepares us to run or fight for our life should danger ever cross our path.” Others say “Anger can also be a substitute emotion, as some people make themselves angry so that they don’t have to feel pain.” Because of these definitions of anger, we can deduce that anger in general is a defense mechanism. It’s an emotion we feel when we feel cornered or trapped in a certain spot in our lives. As a result, we snap at those around us, usually the specific person or thing that’s upsetting us, but other times people can lash out indirectly at an unrelated person. Either way, lashing out at someone almost all of the time is going to hurt someone, which most of the time induces anger. And that is how most conflicts start, but unfortunately, that’s not the only way that conflict can strike.
There are ultimately hundreds of ways that conflict can strike. A difference in views, a mix of emotions, or simply an outburst is enough to start a fight with someone. But the key factor here is anger, and anger is an emotion. Humans are complicated beings, “In previous thought, it was understood that there were six distinct human emotions - happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust. But scientists have now found that the number is as many as 27.” And because of this, it’s hard to understand other people. Thus this leads to frustration and anger which ultimately leads to conflict. It’s a failure to understand, or a failure to care to understand. Now before we continue, I should mention that I am not a Psychologist. I do not understand everything about the human brain, so take what I’ve said (and everything else that I’m gonna say moving forward) with a grain of salt. With that being said, let's move on.
Why Should I Care about Conflict?
Well, there are a couple of reasons why, the first and probably the most important reason is that conflict hurts people. No matter the reason or way that the conflict is fought, people will always get hurt when a fight happens. Another reason you should care is because conflict affects us in our day-to-day lives. This may not surprise you but “There is a great deal of variation in terms of how often people in serious relationships say they get into arguments or disagreements. Roughly an equal share say they argue once a week or more (30%), once a month or multiple times a month (28%), and once or multiple times per year (32%). Only 3% say they never argue.” And this doesn’t just apply to relationships, especially if you live in a densely populated area. Conflict is all around us these days and it gets harder and harder to ignore. The third and final reason anger can hurt you. “Long-term and intense anger has been linked with mental health problems including depression, anxiety, and self-harm. It is also linked to poorer overall physical health as well as particular conditions from high blood pressure, colds, and flu to coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer, and gastrointestinal problems.”
So with all that being said, what do we do? How do we mitigate the damage of conflict or avoid it? How can we work towards being calmer and nicer people? There are many methods you can use to regulate your emotions, as well as understand the emotions of others. So many that it would be impossible to fit it all in one blog post without going insane. Thankfully there are a few exercises that are common and easy to do that can make you better regulate your emotions. So let’s get straight into this.
How to Be a Calmer Person
Ok so let me explain something to you reader. The truth is there is no way to truly avoid conflict, it’s all around us in our daily lives. But that doesn’t mean that you can't defuse the situation. Defusing a situation can be tricky but it’s not impossible. Here are a few quick ways that you can use to end a conflict peacefully.
Take a deep Breath
This may be a given (or a weird start to the list) but taking a breath or two of air actually can calm your nerves. “Scientific studies have shown that controlling your breath can help to manage stress and stress-related conditions. Breath control is also used in practices such as yoga, tai chi, and some forms of meditation. Many people use their breathing to help promote relaxation and reduce stress.” And when dealing with an argument or fight, it’s important to keep your emotions in check so you can make the right decisions.
Try to act calm
Relaxing your body and lowering your voice can help de-escalate the situation. It can also show the other person that you aren’t trying to fight or sound rude/angry. This is also a good way to alleviate any tension in the conflict so that way you and the other person can come to a formal understanding.
Try to understand the other person.
This one is kinda tricky since you need to listen very carefully to what the other person is saying. One key thing to do is to pick apart what the other person is saying and look for important details. This can help you understand what the other person is trying to get at while also letting them vent out their frustrations, then you can both work towards a mutual understanding.
Don't walk away unless you need to
Many people believe that simply walking away from a situation will solve the problem, but this can sometimes enrage the other person. Because of this, you should only walk away from the situation if the other person is not cooperating at all, or if you are in physical danger.
It’s important to note that this list is meant to help you win an argument and to de-escalate a situation. It’s important to have a better understanding of another person than it is to be right. So keep that in mind when using these strategies.
Conclusion
Welp, my brain’s tired, so give me a second, and we’ll wrap things up here.
*one minute later*
Ok, I’m back!
Anyway, I hope this blog post helps you later on in your life. One of the core principles of MLK 365 is to follow the dream that the late Martin Luther King Jr. laid out for the rest of us to follow. He believed in a world where people are not judged by how they look or their background but by the strength of their character. And learning to understand in an argument rather than trying to be right is a good way to make that dream a reality. We may not live to see it come true, but if we put in the effort, we can create a better future.
